homesteading blog magazine

I have always been pretty much an open book and it is no different on my blog. My blog is my personal blog and it just happens to be on my magazine website, as I feel we are all humans and my magazine is more like a personal letter to friends anyway.

I am hoping that this particular blog entry will be maybe helpful to others, make my sad loss mean something somewhere and maybe make others who have this happen to them feel they are not alone.

A few months ago my partner and I decided to start a family. In July I became pregnant. Those who were in the know wanted me to blog about it, but I held off. I actually did not know for sure until September 15th when the tests finally came back positive.

September 24th, I was sent in for an ultra-sound and I found out that not only was I pregnant, but that there happened to be two. Yes, twins. There is a huge twin history on both my partner's and my maternal side. I was elated in one moment that I was pregnant and could see them... to be in awe there were two...to be sad a moment later that one of my twins was deceased. Mentally I went to think, "Well at least there is the other", only to have that dream dashed as well, when that one was also pronounced 'not viable'. Which meant that it too was dead.

I had gone to my ultrasound alone and with having no blood family in Canada I drove two hours straight to my significant others home to give him the grim news as I really did not want to tell him over the phone. He couldn't go to any of my appointments with me as he had a really bad stomach flu and he was really sick. He is actually taking it harder than I am. Maybe it is harder for the father as they feel helpless to do anything about it and it is happening to someone they love and someone that they were anticipating to love, go fishing with, had dreams for, even if he was not too keen on the diaper changing thing (as every guy seems to be).

Evidently the twins were dead before I knew they existed. Which somehow to me is very wrong, as how can I have had feelings for something the size of a raspberry which died before I knew they were reality? 1 out of every 5 to 6 pregnancies does end in miscarriage, so that is about 160,000 women who have this happen to them each year in the United States alone. Dreams dashed.

I was sent 'home'. I went on a long long walk for hours to avoid everyone/everything and then found a tall grassy field behind his house, laid in it and cried my eyes out. Emotions were more of a range than I have ever had in my life. I also usually never cry. Even when I fractured my back, I was reported to never cry. I think I did my next 8 years worth that day. It was also not fair that I was still having all the signs of pregnancy still. The queasiness had however changed to a lump of heavy rock in my stomach.

I ranged from feeling so sad for the loss of my babies, (even though many people do not consider any fetus this size a baby, I think to those people who want them, they qualify as such). I felt so bad for my partner who also so wanted to have these children (and knew before I did that I was carrying!). I wanted to know what was wrong with me. I hated the world. I loathed those who had perfectly good children who abused them or neglected them. I wanted to flog those who drank, get stoned and do really bad crap to their bodies while they were pregnant. Was it something I had did? Or not did? Was I exposed to something? Did I eat the wrong thing? Was it those couple pre-natal vitamins I forgot? Was it my age? WHY!?!?!?!?

Then I remembered that Mother Nature usually knows best and I think I am lucky to have lost them earlier than later. I also know that there must have been some reason they died and that is was probably for the best and things happen usually for a purpose even though we do not always know what that purpose is.

Due to having twins, I had to finish the process in the hospital and not at home as I would have preffered, due to the chance of requiring a blood transfusion. But the doctors and I came to an compromised agreement that would make us all happy and me not feeling like my life was completely out of control. Which it was mostly feeling like.

Weird questions in the hospital from nurses were "Were they natural twins?"... Me, even being upset, tends to think quirky and I almost replied, "You mean versus synthetic or GMO twins?" Instead, I just said "Yes".

I was in the maternity ward for two days and could hear babies crying every now and again. I thought it would bother me and that I would be so upset that someone else got to be a mother and that we were cheated of the chance to become parents, not once, but twice in a way. It was the opposite however. I was very happy for the brand new mothers who had a new little someone nestled into their arms. Even if they were squalling... loudly!

I thank my partner who cannot even handle seeing anyone who requires a bandaide, for being there as a hand squisher when they had to poke me 4 times to get an IV in, who dubiously slept on the narrow hospital bed to keep me warm as I seemed to have been under the air conditioning ceiling unit and put up with my probable babbling. I also want to thank the wonderful staff and doctors who took care of me. I am so very thankful that I got to go to a decent hospital (the one which is in my town is a glorified bandaide box), even though it is far from my home. And thanks to those who took care of my farm when I was not able to.

If you feel sorry for me don't. Sure, I cry here and there, such as when I sit back for a second and consider what to write for my next sentence for this blog. I am a realist and I knew the chances before we even began to really consider to start a family. We knew the chances and the chance was not in our favour this time. I am actually happy that I was allowed the chance to even feel a bit of motherhood even if it was not for much of a time.

If you have had a miscarriage or the death of a child, remember that you are not alone. There is nothing wrong with you and that sometimes people say the wrong thing.. or nothing at all and avoid us, as they do not know what to say and they do not want to make you/us any more sad. Don't hold it against them, perhaps one time you also did not know what to say at the right time and it came out wrong.

It takes time to heal and that is OK. Remember to take care of your partner as well.. even though it might not seem fair to have all this dumped on your body and emotions, but the father probably feels out of the loop and completely helpless too. A whole family has to heal as well. This would have been a first grandchild/ren for my family and now that is a dream lost now too.